Elsewhere

Grief is an elsewhere with a way of making us strange. Distance from a loved one often creates an unanticipated sense of distance from the self, as well as from others and even existence itself, a subtle yet unmistakable separation, from our ability to think clearly, to perceive the world around us sensibly, a visceral kind of detachment from all that is not our grief, and taking hold of us beyond our own devising through the openings of our now rent and heartbroken nature. Wearied and vulnerable, there is a new evanescence to our being and behavior, perhaps as an unconscious mirroring to the disappearance of the one dear to us. The absence of our special someone ushers in emptiness, an expansive foreignness as we leave the familiar and slowly sail into the uncharted waters of a new normal without the beloved. This estrangement is not strange but normal to grief, the feeling of being other and elsewhere a sure sign and salutary feature of our immersion in the disorienting depths of loss, an unsought baptism into an ocean of aloneness, with an encompassing sense of separateness, from others who are still with us, and perhaps especially from ourselves. Aid offered by others to navigate these strange seas often falls on deaf ears, as if from those who are still ashore, on stable ground, who do not really understand the tumultuous nature of the solitary journey that lies ahead for the bereaved. Anchoring is not an option while in the deep, and the possibility of influencing one’s course feels tenuous at best as affective winds blow when and where they will. Adrift, here in this separate and separating space, there is not much else to do but be, and be honest with the ebb and flow of tears and tidal forces of emotions that would toss and turn and possibly capsize and submerge us within the confusing currents of their swirling unpredictability. Accordingly, and with no small measure of humility, our best recourse sometimes is simply to surrender and be at one with the waves.