Contradictions

Contradictions are a vital substrate of the soul, a marbled interiority, often subtle, secretive, and noticed more readily by others than ourselves, our very essence riddled with a wondrous collection of tensions we barely notice when all is well, yet easily unearthed by the tectonics of death and dying, loss and grieving, passionate life and living, and the generally unsettling nature of being and becoming. When you lose a loved one, you may notice feelings of unspeakable sorrow, and swellings of immeasurable joy and gratitude, simultaneously, for one whose presence has enriched your life and lingers with you still. Similarly, when you fall in love with another soul, and commit yourself to journeying together, you will find yourself needing to forgive, and be forgiven, innumerable times, and at the same time exalted and enriched by the intimacy of really seeing and being seen, knowing and being known deeply by another. What logically appears as mutually exclusive or contradictory—joy and sorrow, exaltation and abasement—finds natural coexistence and cohabitation in the soul.

I am a bundle of contradictions, as are you. The rational mind, however, loves to see order and coherence within and without. Even if that order and coherence is cast amidst suffering and difficulty, the perception provides us with a sense of stability we find reassuring. There is a semblance of safety in seeing “all makes sense” whether for better or worse, good or ill. Yet coherence is mostly a convenient myth we entertain to engage the world on surer footing, blinding us to rich complexities, churning within every person and situation, and covering them over with crustations of would-be certainty and simplicity, an artificial confidence in the binary: right and wrong, true and false, black and white, and the consolations afforded by viewing reality in these either/or terms. Whoever lusts after coherence lusts after lies, Howard Jacobson noticed, and our perception of contradictions themselves may be the greatest lie of all—one that exists only on the surface level of logic and which quickly vanishes, as we find ourselves increasingly immersed in the beautiful, heartbreaking, nuanced uncertainties of soulful living. To notice an emerging number of seemingly contradictory feelings, thoughts, and experiences actually might be the surest sign of living a life abundant.