Compassion

Compassion is not first and foremost about loving others or even oneself but suffering—from the Latin compassio meaning to “suffer with”—and as such is one of the most beautiful qualities of our humanity. Before any would-be efforts to fix a situation, and likewise prior to many well-intentioned words that would likely fall flat anyway, true compassion appears originally as a form of presence, the desire to be with another suffering, to feel, as much as one can from afar, the heartache and anguish of another’s dis-ease, knowing full well there is no panacea, that time does not heal all wounds, and that sometimes life simply hurts, despite our best efforts otherwise. This is no defeatist mentality but the very real and vital first step toward acceptance of the nature of actual existence. Self-compassion, similarly, begins by allowing ourselves the freedom of fully feeling our own suffering, of being with that suffering, kindly and gently, and of resisting those voices, external and internal, that would dissuade us from tears, questioning, and breaking. Sometimes we need to break, and break down, before healing even becomes a possibility. This is difficult for others to watch without wanting to do something to help. Accordingly, when we suffer, and our suffering is witnessed, do-gooders may suddenly abound. Professionally, medically, spiritually, and otherwise, the world has an increasing variety of helpers and healers who would be a blessing and a boon. Yet, as many undoubtedly know from experience, helpers and healers can easily do as much harm as good, especially when we are vulnerable, and so, we are wise to be at least a little wary of those philanthropists, altruists, and moralists urgently seeking our company. “If I knew for a certainty,” Thoreau once said, “that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.” There is nothing quite so odorous as compassion corrupted. Do you want to help me because I am hurting or do you want to help me because you are hurting? Service might be an all too common and convenient surrogate for the more challenging work of attending to our own ailments first. We would do better to begin by looking in the mirror, not as an act of egoism, but to rightly care for the suffering we find within, becoming better acquainted with this ancient aspect of ourselves, a truly indispensable, organic education, and only then discover how such compassion blossoms, quite naturally, into authentic care for others, not as an occasional and transitory act, but as part and parcel of our presence.